Year Two
4/19/10 -
spring showers are just
mother natures pre-mature
ejaculation
4/20/10 -
why do potheads need
a holiday for what they
do everyday?
4/21/10 -
birds chirp melodies
tuning telephone wires
into sheet music
4/22/10 -
daily patterns of
a tv set lifestyle
we are colorbars
4/23/10 -
if phone interviews
stereotype by your voice
I won’t get this job
4/24/10 -
packing will make you
ponder life and why you still
own pokemon cards
4/25/10 -
visiting college
always reminds me of why
I’m glad I left there
4/26/10 -
you crossed my mind when
I kissed her like my mind was
oncoming traffic
4/27/10 -
this city has so
many actors it looks like
one big restaurant
4/28/10 -
me + dia +
power saw = no more
living room sofa
4/29/10 -
plots wouldn’t exist
if people didn’t go and
do such stupid things
4/30/10 -
woe is romeo
just the renaissance version
of an emo kid
5/1/10 -
spoiled is juliet
just the renaissance version
of paris hilton
5/2/10 -
moved to the suburbs
puppy has new enemy
elusive lawn gnome
5/3/10 -
the key to keeping
your apartment clean is to
not have a roommate
5/4/10 -
“if you like it then
you should put a ring on it”
married to pizza
5/5/10 -
when masterbating
feels like cheating, it is time
to break up with her
5/6/10 -
job interviews are
evaluations on who
can bullshit the most
5/7/10 -
I left you as the
pawnshop thief of a million
empty promises
5/8/10 -
promise - just a word
so I told every girl
that she was the one
5/9/10 -
nature recycled
when taxidermy office
bursts into embers
5/10/10 -
transgendered mailmen
are the epitome of
being male-women
5/11/10 -
i was nervous to
break up with her an hour
before lost started
5/12/10 -
you always wake up
on wrong side of the bed when
having an affair
5/13/10 -
expiration dates
don’t exist in my grandmas
refrigerator
5/14/10 -
if i had a dime
for every time someone
asked me for a dime
5/15/10 -
it’s not a scandal
when a pornstars sex tape leaks
it’s just freelancing
5/16/10 -
tabloids idolize
admiring the impact of
car crash lifestyles
5/17/10 -
iceland volcano
bjork sings about volcanoes
inside job by bjork!
5/18/10 -
I wrote a pirate
persona poem, does that
make me a pirate?!
5/19/10 -
TJ NaT0Le
SHiT-TaLkEd MeG FaLLeY… AwW ShiT
SuCKa GoNe gEt SerVeD!!!
5/20/10 -
we don’t call them ‘goals’
we call them ‘dreams’ because ‘goals’
would involve effort
5/21/10 -
carry a pencil
so when you are ignored you
can draw attention
5/22/10 -
I finally learned
how to tie a tie so now
I can knot do it
5/23/10 -
we burn the oil
like the ocean is just a
molotov cocktail
5/24/10 -
lost’s last episode
finally revealed the truth
duct tape fixes all
5/25/10 -
an epitaph year
chiseled; engraved into the
memory’s timeline
5/26/10 -
the weather channel
never accurate when it
predicts good weather
5/27/10 -
filming proms are weird
when you meet someone your age
attending the prom
5/28/10 -
reality shows
are bottom of the barrel
documentaries
5/29/10 -
if you make faces
behind people being filmed
you are a douchebag
5/30/10 -
my GPS will
never recommend taking
the road less traveled
5/31/10 -
monuments are not
photo opportunities
just google search them
6/1/10 -
no one can be called
religious in a foxhole
they are just human
6/2/10 -
fuck your skinny jeans
bring back fanny packs and be
comfortably hip
6/3/10 -
you’ve got me buried
rolling in my grave and I’m
not even dead yet
6/4/10 -
‘what a piece of work’
a misconstrued compliment
for asshole artists
6/5/10 -
My socks never match
for good luck, plus I never
want to do laundry
6/6/10 -
terrorists won’t fly
Virgin, 72 in
heaven get jealous
6/7/10 -
modern medicine
has helped us live way past our
expiration dates
6/8/10 -
if only jesus
turned water into gravy
soul food miracle
6/9/10 -
army commercials
taught me that real men listen
to creed and godsmack
6/10/10 -
vacant lot of skin
the most permanent tattoo
we could ever wear
6/11/10 -
shopping mall parking
you now have to pay them to
give them your money
6/12/10 -
it’s all in the game
a man gotta have a code
omar comin’ yo
6/13/10 -
you don’t really know
a person until you go
through their netflix queue
6/14/10 -
skywriting pilot
accidentally writes his
word clouds upside down
6/15/10 -
new jersey - why do
you let all the states use you
as a punching bag?
6/16/10 -
bar trivia nights
are the drunken jeopardy
of the middle class
6/17/10 -
yearbook signatures
become vandalism as
friendships fade away
6/18/10 -
buzz and woody might
make you think of toy story
or a frat party
6/19/10 -
facebook has taken
the meaning out of wishing
a happy birthday
6/20/10 -
luke skywalker used
the force to tell darth vader
happy fathers day
6/21/10 -
it’s hard to call it
the left coast when I know it’s
gonna feel all right
6/22/10 -
sometimes i wonder
if Starbucks ran our country
would midgets be tall?
6/23/10 -
it’s cliche to say
“i know that this sounds cliche”
when giving a speech
6/24/10 -
so much to take in
with an anchor holding down
the entire coast
6/25/10 -
celebs driving drunk
made no sense till I paid an
LA taxi fare
6/26/10 -
if god knows all then
why does his NCAA
bracket never win?
6/27/10 -
stop drilling oil
we need to start searching for
unobtanium
6/28/10 -
I only stared at
the handicapped boy since he
was wearing ugg boots
6/29/10 -
i always wondered
how a Chinese person would
feel in a bull shop
6/30/10 -
Oh Em Gee!!! PeTe WeNtZ
wUz 0n DuH sAmE FLiGhT aZ mE!!!
He L00kEd s0 HuMaN!!!!
7/1/10 -
flirting at dog parks
becomes tricky when your dogs
attack each other
7/2/10 -
friends wedding photos
in front of state capitol
fucking ignorance
7/3/10 -
order a round of
oklahoma city bombs
when in Ireland
7/4/10 -
let us reflect on
will smith and jeff goldbum this
independence day
7/5/10 -
my pores feel like a
sweatshop which makes the sun the
galaxies nike
7/6/10 -
deleting a name
from a website somehow feels
like losing a friend
7/7/10 -
I’m so underground
i liked pluto before it
was a dwarf planet
7/8/10 -
i wish lebron james
announced he had decided
to go to college
7/9/10 -
if the earth is a
disco ball, then this city
will be our dancefloor
7/10/10 -
met kevin bacon
nicest guy I’ve met with a
breakfast meat last name
7/11/10 -
the only thing worse
than groups of daschunds are groups
of daschund owners
7/12/10 -
phone interviews can
still be professional while
in your underwear
7/13/10 -
Nick Nolte and the
Amber Alerts sounds like a
really bad band name
7/14/10 -
drinking and driving
wouldn’t happen if we made
driving illegal
7/15/10 -
complex messages
written on cookie cakes means
you get more frosting!
7/16/10 -
this haiku is a
haiku inside a haiku
inside a haiku
7/17/10 -
poetry sounds so
much better when it’s in a
backyard full of friends
7/18/10 -
grilled pork tenderloin
stuffed with goat cheese, broccoli,
and sausage. sunday.
7/19/10 -
meg said I had a
haiku for shutter island
I guess I do now
7/20/10 -
the vuvuzela
monotone orchestra of
babies being punched
7/21/10 -
getting caught in rain
always seems sexier when
it’s in the movies
7/22/10 -
why do referees
always make bad calls on the
team you’re rooting for?
7/23/10 -
friends who get married
right after college always
seem to play farmville
7/24/10 -
how did we become
so dependent on oil
it’s all wars and zits
7/25/10 -
one minute until
midnight and I still haven’t
thought of a haiku
7/26/10 -
tribute bands make a
good living off pretending
to be someone else
7/27/10 -
were are tenants of
a piñata universe
beaten, cracked open
7/28/10 -
donald trump puts his
name on everything like
a graffiti tag
7/29/10 -
bright light wishing wells
casinos are luck, so throw
your money away
7/30/10 -
was anyone else
creeped out by hootie and the
blowfish’s drummer?
7/31/10 -
camping is useless
if there’s no cell phone service
to blog about it
8/1/10 -
poets playing sports
is a lot less shocking than
athletes writing poems
8/2/10 -
bags under my eyes
hang bruised from exhaustion of
a weekend well spent
8/3/10 -
my favorite quotes
and sayings are by some dude
named Anonymous
8/4/10 -
most bible chapters
would fuck kids up if they were
children story books
8/5/10 -
immigration with
no transition, train them to
say broke in english
8/6/10 -
i think someone owes
god a royalty check for
writing the bible
8/7/10 -
power line wires
rotary dial muscles
of switchboard chaos
8/8/10 -
movie stars thank god
when they win awards because
he’s the best actor
8/9/10 -
always remember
to wear a condom on your
iPhone when sexting
8/10/10 -
you can tell a lot
about a bar by the way
it smells walking in
8/11/10 -
wu-tang ain’t nuthin’
to fuck wit, which means they are
something to fuck with
8/12/10 -
searched for love online
match.com recommended
that I date my hand
8/13/10 -
vinyls cool again
I’m bringing back VHS
and rotary phones
8/14/10 -
A was embarrassed
during alphabet orgy
because he came first
8/15/10 -
toss photos into
a shoebox collection of
cluttered memories
8/16/10 -
new jersey turnpike
a grayscale landscape of smog
stink bomb aroma
8/17/10 -
tried to count sand at
the beach but kept losing my
count around twenty
8/18/10 -
a gray astro van
is not ideal to start an
ice cream man business
8/19/10 -
a vicious cycle
when a father hits his kid
for hitting a kid
8/20/10 -
mandated pre-nups
would avoid the awkwardness
of “we need to talk”
8/21/10 -
no news is good news
unless you work freelance as
a news reporter
8/22/10 -
the only thing that
keeps most people catholic
is christmas presents
8/23/10 -
you fell off the bridge
where we as teenagers would
go to feel alive
8/24/10 -
you get hurt when you
fall in love, I’d prefer to
just walk into it
8/25/10 -
I would be vegan
but that would mean no bacon
and that’s just absurd
8/26/10 -
deleted you to
have space but kept a back up
jump drive of a heart
8/27/10 -
I had a haiku
written for today but I
forgot what it was
8/28/10 -
the best part about
living alone is peeing
with the door open
8/29/10 -
I am not ashamed
to be a man who enjoys
fruity tasting beer
8/30/10 -
I think this might be
the greatest haiku that I
have ever written
8/31/10 -
loving you was like
having seven vowels in
a game of scrabble
9/1/10 -
suffer for fashion
testicle strangulation
skinny jeans haiku
9/2/10 -
burnt hand on a stove
it’s hard to treat wounds without
the use of said hand
9/3/10 -
to predict weather
watch the weather channel and
forecast opposite
9/4/10 -
‘you are what you eat’
ohh, so that’s why that douchebag
called me a pussy
9/5/10 -
fashionably late?
ten minutes early is how
you make an entrance
9/6/10 -
no white is the rule
but what about no neon
after Labor Day
9/7/10 -
you jump off a bridge
and either die or get a
book publishing deal
9/8/10 -
no destination
take a road trip, flip a coin
for navigation
9/9/10 -
put in perspective
it’s fucked up and rude of our
friends to get married
9/10/10 -
the beginners guide
to love never mentions you
can break your own heart
9/11/10 -
people with birthdays
on 9/11 are so
inconsiderate
9/12/10 -
I thought I was tan
but then I took a shower
realized it was FILTH!!!
9/13/10 -
dance floor transition
swing dance gone, looks like swingers
simulating sex
9/14/10 -
I heard erotic
literature can make your
brain get a boner
9/15/10 -
if Neil Armstrong was
the first person to walk on
the moon, who filmed it?
9/16/10 -
if you’re afraid of
homophobes, that makes you a
homophobeophobe
9/17/10 -
rosetta stone is
the GPS for when you’re
lost in translation
9/18/10 -
suburban freelance
filmed a barn dance fundraiser
there were pig races
9/19/10 -
we get two choices
for President, fifty for
Miss America
9/20/10 -
they should really make
an abbreviation for
abbreviation
9/21/10 -
BP cooking staff
keep their kitchen clean, no grease
spills in their workplace
9/22/10 -
journalists keep pens
in pockets like soldiers hang
guns over shoulders
9/23/10 -
flicking light switches
still when the power goes out
a human impulse
9/24/10 -
it’s not allergy
season if it’s happening
every season
9/25/10 -
it makes me nervous
when doctors refer to their
job as their practice
9/26/10 -
most highway traffic
is by nosy passerbys
not from accidents
9/27/10 -
they should start making
squirrel flavored dog food and
mouse flavored cat food
9/28/10 -
in forty five years
soulja boi will be played on
oldies radio
9/29/10 -
is it harder to
write symphonies or cell phone
message alert sounds?
9/30/10 -
I cannot stand when
someone offers me a chair
so I can sit down
10/1/10 -
I would steal, kill and
commit hate crimes just to win
the Noble Peace Prize
10/2/10 -
sculptors mold futures
fingers clayed from a days work
carving a living
10/3/10 -
actively jewish
tamagotchis always wear
a yamagotchi
10/4/10 -
so euthanasia
has nothing to do with all
the youth in asia?
10/5/10 -
coming this summer
is Slumdog Millionaire 2:
Cash Cab Destiny
10/6/10 -
you make atheists
hope in a heaven so you’ll
rot away in hell
10/7/10 -
I was born feet first
a breached baby and I still
don’t know how to dive
10/8/10 -
concession stands at
adult movie theaters sell
edible condoms
10/9/10 -
darth vader jump drive
because I don’t fuck around
when it comes to space
10/10/10 -
I am a bigot
intolerant towards those who
leave ice trays empty
10/11/10 -
receiving road head
is very dangerous when
the girl is driving
10/12/10 -
if the air force wants
the most advanced stealth aircraft
just paint them sky blue
10/13/10 -
genocide will come
natural to kids stepping
on their first ant hill
10/14/10 -
hate definitions
resulting in me looking
up another word
10/15/10 -
hair cuts and hot wings
never come out the way that
you requested them
10/16/10 -
job resume tweaks
change office assistant to
tycoon or mogul
10/17/10 -
first oktoberfest
was in 1810; before
e-mails had spell check
10/18/10 -
tried ponytail sex
didn’t work until I put
on 3D glasses
10/19/10 -
when shit hits the fan
I get angry because who
throws poop in the house?
10/20/10 -
life is not about
popularity, rather
it’s about reblogs
10/21/10 -
write on DVD
covers so I can say I’ve
written on movies
10/22/10 -
if parties are fun
then why do politics bore
the fuck out of me
10/23/10 -
dracula is on
team edward but thinks jacob
is the dreamy one
10/24/10 -
dude bro rule of three
two can’t hang out in public
without a third bro
10/25/10 -
scientists became
mad when kleenex donated
the tissue samples
10/26/10 -
easter can be a
real mind fuck, just realized that
rabbits don’t lay eggs
10/27/10 -
don’t let blind people
cut you in the bathroom line
they have awful aim
10/28/10 -
when masturbating
begins to feel like cheating
then break up with her
10/29/10 -
be spontaneous
go to vegas, have yourself
a shotgun divorce
10/30/10 -
a dime a dozen
is in fact a rare find in
this economy
10/31/10 -
as girls age and grow
their halloween costumes seem
to stay the same size
11/1/10 -
halloween has passed
teens can start dressing up like
vampires again
11/2/10 -
taylor swift first week
goes platinum, someone owes
kanye a thank you
11/3/10 -
high school garage bands
focus on band names instead
of working on songs
11/4/10 -
spine like a scaffold
a mother holds her child
embraced with support
11/5/10 -
christmas trees get tossed
right after christmas, so why
not campaign posters?
11/6/10 -
america is
the greatest country because
our beer caps twist off
11/7/10 -
daylight savings time
is the closest we’ll ever
get to time travel
11/8/10 -
on jobs and diets:
the more hours you work the
shittier you eat
11/9/10 -
frat parties are like
toy story, it’s all about
a buzz and woody
11/10/10 -
when giving someone
a piece of gum, tell them they’ve
been dentyne iced bro
11/11/10 -
the watermelon
stereotype is not true
of all gallaghers
11/12/10 -
every group of
friends needs a designated
beatboxer for rhymes
11/13/10 -
working all weekend
weekdays are now my weekends
5 beats 2 bitches!
11/14/10 -
insecure rich men
buy sports cars, really rich ones
just buy bigger dicks
11/15/10 -
I only q-tip
my ears while listening to
kanye’s gold-digger
11/16/10 -
online scrabble is
great for those who like to take
a mid-game month break
11/17/10 -
people who complain
about your hair length never
notice your haircut
11/18/10 -
the jerk store called and
they’re not sure how their business
can make a profit
11/19/10 -
our generation
wears bags under our eyes like
a fashion statement
11/20/10 -
turning twenty one
is like receiving a gift
you already owned
11/21/10 -
thoughts on hangovers:
friends don’t let friends have open
bar birthday parties
11/22/10 -
apple recently
developed the iPatch for
the pirate market
11/23/10 -
when underwear has
five new holes to pee out of
time to throw them out
11/24/10 -
thanksgiving eve is
not an excuse to pregame
with wild turkey
11/25/10 -
filmed a football game
just ten minutes of footage
this sport fucking blows
11/26/10 -
I hate black friday
this haiku has been written
in the checkout lane
11/27/10 -
no more color codes
terror alerts will now be
an emoticon chart
11/28/10 -
name: sean gallagher
location: white plains, new york
job: thinkful wisher
11/29/10 -
woke up so early
paid programming on TV
hadn’t started yet
11/30/10 -
my dog humps to prove
dominance like the US
humps third world nations
12/1/10 -
zombie movie worlds
never have ‘zombie’ in their
vocabulary
12/2/10 -
my dog hates huskies
does that make him racist or
not a uconn fan?
12/3/10 -
if you want to get
legalized marijuana
you must be patient
12/4/10 -
afro wig hair looks
like a bundled plethora
of black pubic hair
12/5/10 -
santa may not be
real but I still believe in
the UPS man
12/6/10 -
when tumblr’s site crashed
I was so mad I wanted
to blog about it
12/7/10 -
nicki minaj
such monster potential turned
to one verse wonder
12/8/10 -
watched the film: alive
what some may call survival,
cannibals call lunch
12/9/10 -
shaving my beard off
in winter was a poor choice
farewell facial scarf
12/10/10 -
having a soundtrack
in the background of my life
would be classical
12/11/10 -
wal-mart without the
old people at the front door
… amazon.com
12/12/10 -
a bible filled with
immaculate exceptions
to what is written
12/13/10 -
mario’s last name
is mario since they’re the
‘mario brothers’
12/14/10 -
futile school speed zones
students are in classrooms not
oncoming traffic
12/15/10 -
people that are from
really cold places make for
the best snugglers
12/16/10 -
the league of michaels
hates when poets come to their
open mike events
12/17/10 -
to be transparent
obama needs to be on
twitter more often
12/18/10 -
science/religion
propose who, what, where, why, when
science explains how
12/19/10 -
a haiku mind trick
these aren’t the haikus that
you are looking for
12/20/10 -
oh guacamole
you taste so delicious yet
expire so quick
12/21/10 -
the lunar eclipse
was cool but twilight: eclipse
was so much better
12/22/10 -
as you get older
christmas becomes more like a
tv show rerun
12/23/10 -
it is insane how
emotionally stable
I can be sometimes
12/24/10 -
gift certificates…
when you want to show someone
you really don’t care
12/25/10 -
wrapping paper should
actually have rappers heads
printed all over
12/26/10 -
living upstate taught
me that downstate treats snow like
the apocalypse
12/27/10 -
video killed the
radio star while e-mail
murdered the pen-pal
12/28/10 -
foreign films and their
subtitles are just a ploy
to make me like books
12/29/10 -
some toilet paper
should be at home depot and
sold as sand paper
12/30/10 -
do contract killers
work on the books, filling out
W-4 forms?
12/31/10 -
there’s no one true love
too many variables
to a human heart
1/1/11 -
most resolutions
made on new years are broken
within the hour
1/2/11 -
home depots biggest
customer is actually
karate dojos
1/3/11 -
why do women love
an overabundance of
pillows on the bed?
1/4/11 -
do eskimo kids
make snow houses when they have
snow days off from school?
1/5/11 -
the thing I am most
proud of is that I never
smoked a cigarette
1/6/11 -
got a shovel for
christmas which is bullshit, I
asked for a blowtorch
1/7/11 -
exit the bar when
the DJ gives a shout out
to the high schoolers
1/8/11 -
burn the suits and ties
collapse all the cubicles
work revolution
1/9/11 -
people find it so
shocking that babies were born
on 9/11
1/10/11 -
vineyards would have to
re-brand themselves if there was
a country named wine
1/11/11 -
witty shirts are like
slutty clothes, wanting people
to look at your chest
1/12/11 -
pleasuring a girl
with drumsticks could result in
vagina splinters
1/13/11 -
a stenographer
must be able to send the
best text messages
1/14/11 -
suburban whispers
cosmopolitan echoes
the sounds where we sleep
1/15/11 -
chicken noodle soup
best medicine you can buy
over the counter
1/16/11 -
babies at the mall
run directly into things
like kamikazes
1/17/11 -
feel pathetic when
netflix recommends that you
watch juwanna mann
1/18/11 -
feel more pathetic
when you actually choose to
watch juwanna mann
1/19/11 -
i bet osama
is hiding out in some book
right next to waldo
1/20/11 -
the most important
aspect of a visual
is the audio
1/21/11 -
don’t care for sports teams
just wear their shirts when I like
logo and colors
1/22/11 -
I don’t understand
why they would call it spooning;
spoons don’t get boners
1/23/11 -
just got evicted
by my grandma; someone needs
to move to brooklyn
1/24/11 -
gifford opened up
her eyes; now some senators
need to open theirs
1/25/11 -
posting comments and
youtube links on facebook walls
is the new street art
1/26/11 -
safest thing you can
do in 2012 is
stay near john cusak
1/27/11 -
nail clippers are weird
toenails should only be cut
with pair of scissors
1/28/11 -
mogul sounds really
pretentious coming from the
mouth of a mogul
1/29/11 -
like a pokemon
the elusive emo has
evolved to hipster
1/30/11 -
can’t autocorrect
stupidity, unless its
typed: stupiditu
1/31/11 -
please do not cut ties
they can be reused if you
just unknot them off
2/1/11 -
I want to start a
protest protesting protests
no more protesters!
2/2/11 -
in ten years, you will
regret how serious you
took slam poetry
2/3/11 -
amazon.com
is so famous they named a
river after it
2/4/11 -
I can’t take this shit
when a meeting happens right
when I need to poop
2/5/11 -
hot topic is so
punk rawk that it’s no longer
punk rawk to shop there
2/6/11 -
I have a funny
feeling that Tyler Perry
talks in third person
2/7/11 -
I wonder how long
I can go not learning who
won the super bowl
2/8/11 -
willow smith whipping
her hair back and forth; the new
shaking a baby
2/9/11 -
three weeks ago, I
thought Mubarak was the name
of a pokemon
2/10/11 -
a fashion exec
complimented the shirt I
bought at goodwill… WIN!
2/11/11 -
was able to go
five days without knowing who
won the super bowl
2/12/11 -
it’s not a guard dog
it barks at everything
that walks by your house
2/13/11 -
I help control the
animal population
with a ham sandwich
2/14/11 -
by never keeping
a work schedule, I can
always be on time
2/15/11 -
romeo is a
paperclip; juliet is
a power outlet
2/16/11 -
some doctors thought I
might be schizophrenic but
we don’t think I am
2/17/11 -
I want to run a
comedy club on wall street
called the laughing stock
2/18/11 -
we’re so fortunate
that banks have to put braille on
drive-up ATM’s
2/19/11 -
assassination
is a lot more flattering
than being murdered
2/20/11 -
I’ve never had the
honor of writing with a
#1 pencil
2/21/11 -
wide angle lenses
are needed for family
portraits in utah
2/22/11 -
hoarders should have an
episode about hoarders
that collect hoarders
2/23/11 -
home alone 2 made
me question cps and
all their procedures
2/24/11 -
weaving through stand still
traffic proves you don’t get what
stand still traffic means
2/25/11 -
when old people watch
youtube videos it brings
a tear to my eye
2/26/11 -
fashion designer
complimented the dress shirt
i bought from goodwill
2/27/11 -
there’s a difference
in haikus and seventeen
syllable statements
2/28/11 -
ann coulter, glen beck
apparently your bookshelf
has an agenda
3/1/11
toilet humor did
not exist until sewers
and lavatories
3/2/11 -
male ladybugs are
empowering themselves as
masculinanists
3/3/11 -
history textbooks,
what exactly is civil
about civil wars?
3/4/11 -
all my pencils are
never good enough, bitter
for not being first
3/5/11 -
money doesn’t grow
on trees but banks seem to keep
opening branches
3/6/11 -
the dollhouse syndrome
starts when you move into a
smaller apartment
3/7/11 -
if wall street wants the
public to trust them, then stop
being called brokers
3/8/11 -
now live with a cat
now sleep with a loaded gun
under my pillow
3/9/11 -
lets write reviews on
movie reviews and call it
critiquing critics
3/10/11 -
hardest transition
after living by yourself
closing bathroom doors
3/11/11 -
vietnamese food
so good; my tastebuds had an
orgy in my mouth
3/12/11 -
not enticing to
renew rolling stone when it’s
snooki on cover
3/13/11
how long till someone
thinks that obama started
the japan earthquakes
3/14/11 -
having bagpipes in
your band doesn’t mean you
play irish music
3/15/11 -
photoshoots can be
so awkward when you’re on the
other side of lens
3/16/11 -
bar nacho warning:
blue tortilla chips will make
you poop green for days
3/17/11 -
acting like assholes
and puking in trash cans is
not my heritage
3/18/11 -
saint patties day sucks
when you start to realize that
those snakes were humans
3/19/11 -
if bikers still ride
in car lanes, then why can’t I
drive in the bike lane?
3/20/11 -
gimmicks and phases
3d is the auto-tune
of the movie world
3/21/11 -
a wedding in jail
will bring together all the
outlaws and inlaws
3/22/11 -
the special effects
in the fighter helped remove
wahlberg’s third nipple
3/23/11 -
i love my iPad
and iMac and iPod and
iPhone and Steve Jobs
3/24/11 -
if my snoring is
really that loud, why does it
never wake me up?
3/25/11 -
stereotype of
gangstas is wrong; you can’t spell
thug without the hug!
3/26/11 -
the best thing before
they invented sliced bread was
the knife that cut bread
3/27/11 -
fuck the hollywood
perfect love story; love should
be a battleground
3/28/11 -
a lot of tumblrs
are going to hate me when
they see their newsfeed!
3/29/11 -
a wrinkled workflow
never iron out details
of our lives fabric
3/30/11 -
april should be the
start time for resolutions
we made on new years
3/31/11 -
before bed routine:
brush my teeth, wash my face and
then I crack my toes
4/1/11 -
click this haiku to
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!!!
a RickRoll’D haiku!
4/2/11 -
I want to hire
darren aronofsky to
write my eulogy
4/3/11 -
it’s not really a
mobile home if you don’t go
anywhere in it
4/4/11 -
exactly what is
“correctional” about our
jail facilities?
4/5/11 -
apple’s facetime app
is clearly for webcam sex
new add-on: iHole
4/6/11 -
microphones don’t make
you louder, only tell how
far your words can go
4/7/11 -
there’s no animals
in grand theft auto because
PETA would be pissed
4/8/11 -
we expect world peace
but then we’re too lazy to
signal a lane change
4/9/11 -
encores began at
guillotines where crowds would start
chanting “one more head”
4/10/11 -
garden state soundtrack
the beginners guide to the
indie music scene
4/11/11 -
I use linkedin to
see if I’m doing better
than high school classmates
4/12/11 -
two crucifixes
above your bed because you
double cross people
4/13/11 -
if you don’t stand for
what you believe in then you
don’t believe in it
4/14/11 -
you’ve got more baggage
than an airport and my flight
will always be late
4/15/11 -
can’t spell barbeque
without the dead animal
in my freaking mouth
4/16/11 -
crashing into floods
is more fun at water parks
than when in a car
4/17/11 -
we whisper so close
like humping you with my breath
fondle you with air
4/18/11 -
second year complete
and my haikus still have yet
to help me get laid
